You don't have to be gay...
"It's real and chaotic - just like a woman can feel. But it's also strong, pretty, proud, emotional, loving... just like a woman..."
No not Chauncey speaking, though obviously I agree with the sentiment, but Emil Hristov talking about the video for Bulgarian Eurovision entry Let Me Cry by Mariana Popova. Look a little deeper though and couldn't Emil be talking about Eurovision itself?
You may or may not agree with that, but either way you can't argue that it leads us nicely in to the Annual Chauncey Q Monkhouse Eurovision Preview.
Tomorrow evening sees 12 months of preperations bear tacky and quite possibly incompetent fruit as the Eurovision Song Contest comes to Athens. Some 6000 Eurpoean nations will battle out this years contest and thanks to having a lot of time on my hands this afternoon I am able to bring to you a quick and easy to follow guide. Read on...
Albania: Luiz Ejlli with the song Fire, but (still) Cold. Luiz has a silly hat and judging by the lyrics is suffering from Alzheimers.
Belarus: Polina Smolova with the song Mum. The great lyrics of this song are too numerous to mention, but I'm going to single out "I fel so safe, 'cause I know he's good/The guys before him were a kind of junk food". Classic Euro stuff.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Hari Mata Hari with the song Layla. Interestingly the composer is one of the "rare musicians who can claim to be familiar with eleven instruments." Not to mention earning the title First European Accordian Player at the age of twelve. I don't have a clue what that means and I think the web site might have made some kind of translation error there.
Croatia: Moja Stikla (my link thingy packed in, but you aren't stupid so find it yourself) with the song My High Heel. This one is just too bizarre to describe. Sample lyric ""Tick tock 'round half past two/You will nibble me, but noone will see/Golden ring(!?!) thin moustache/I know well guys like you." I don't know...
Denmark: Sidsel with the song Twist of Love. All about Johnny, Connie and a chap named O-Smarty who doesn't know how to make the ladies insist. Rubbish!
Finland: Lordi with the song Hard Rock Hallelujah. I initially though they were going to be rubbish with their sub Slipknot masks, but did Slipknot ever write a lyric like this "The walls come down like thunder/The rocks about to roll/It's the AROCKALYPSE/Now bare your soul"?
FYR Macedonia: Elena Risteska with the song Ninanajna. I think it means rumpy pumpy, but I'm not sure.
Germany: Texas Lightning with the song No No Never. Could this be the first country & western entry in to Eurovision? (please don't tell me if it's not, I don't really care)
Iceland: Silvia Night with the song Congratulations. None of the self deprecating Cliff Richard nonsense here, Silvia Night is going to win and she says so in her song all about Silvia Night "shining so bright" releasing such a cool song that she wins and we all go to Iceland for next years final. Why is she so confident, because she's had a phone conversation with god and she's his favourite person apparently, oh and she's saving the world too... Winner.
Lithuania: LT with the song We Are The Winners. Hang on a second, another song about winnng Eurovision. Will this be the year the song contest finally eats itself?
Malta: Fabrizio Faniello with the song I Do. This man looks like an ugly little pixie. Oh and his second name made me chuckle.
Moldova: Arsenium with the song Loca. They're called Arsenium...ARF.
Russia: Dima Bilan with the song Never let you go. Bless him he's obviously writtne this straight in English and it makes no sense at all. I couldn't write a song in Russian it's true, but the lesson is don't try.
Spain: Las Ketchup (really) with the song Bloody Mary. Not a rant aimed at Mary Archer, but then why should it be, they are Spanish. I don't know if this is about cheap booze as their chant of "Duty free, duty free, duty free" might indicate, or if it's about the 'other' woman as they sing "I was the other woman, the stupid one/half pint undrground/I was stunning/I left him high and dry/He has the gift of the gab." I just don't know but it's Spanish so it's bound to be fantastic.
Turkey: Sibel Tuzun with the song Superstar. Another one with a high opinion of herself. "I am no ordinary person/I am not an imitation/My light will bedazzle you." We'll be the judge of that young lady.
Last (you will be pleased to know) and most definitelly least. United Kingdom: Daz Sampson with his song Teenage Life. What is there to say about Daz Sampson? He's got to be a joke surely. I'll let his little Erovision biog speak for him. "Daz firdt found fame (?) as the MC, songwriter and (get this) ideas man in UK dance group Bus Stop". It continues "Like a pop pied piper and with as many pseudonyms as Prine he was soon on to other projects". Honestly "Daz calls Teenage Life his masterpiece". I could go on, but I'm starting to respect Daz and it scares me...
Well there we have it. Not only my longest ever entry here, but possibly my most niche topic ever.
Watch it, but don't say you weren't warned.
Rock on you funky dog shits...
The argument for...
...A cull.
A cull of the 16 to 25 year olds who took part in the poll to find the most inspirational figures in the world of creative arts. I'm not that bothered that the poll was topped by Wallace & Gromit even though they are made of plasticine. The fact that Arctic Monkeys, Gorrilaz, Chris Martin and KT Tunstall* are on the list representing music doesn't make me apoplectic with rage. David Beckham, well I'm not sure I'd describe him as being of the creative arts world, but hey, I'll let it go. Keira Knightly, a beenpole of dubious merits in the thespian league, but she's flavour of the month so we'll let her have her accolades for now. BUT and yes it's a big but, HARRY 'Chuffing' POTTER? SOCIETY? BIG BROTHER?
What is wrong with these blithering simpletons?
Harry H Corbett! The 'Honest' Chauncey Monkhouse Polls of yesteryear made more sense than this rubbish!
Rock on you funky pollsters...
* I don't mind KT Tunstall too much, (all things being relative) but her appearance on the list does perplex me nonetheless.
Maybe Liberace Was Serenading Chris Bonnington...
Grand piano found up mountain, mystery baffles police, but sting bangs out a couple of chorus of Every Breath You Take. Or. Scotland yard called in, Chief Inspector has a tickle and announces "That's the highest note I ever heard on a piano."
Well It was a mystery when I read in the paper half an hour ago, but upon verifying my facts on the always* 'reliable' internet I found that this was yesterdays mystery. Kenny Campbell (wasn't he an early 90s 'soul' singer?) has admitted carrying the thing up there some time around 1971. Now to you or I, or even to someone of sound mind, this might seem like a strange thing to do at any time, never mind 1971, but it would appear that Mr Campbell is not the only person to carry something strange up Ben Nevis.
We all know the zany things that students get up to for charity, but who would have thought of carrying legendary, boozy newsreader Reginald 'Beaujolais' Bosanquet up in his bed?
My particular favourite part of this story though concerns the meterologists who manned the weather station at the top of the mountain between 1884 and 1904. It would seem that far from being stereotypical scientists they were a bunch of damnable hooligans who invented the past time of hurling, among other things no doubt, rocks and musical instruments from the very top of the mountain.
God only knows what else the volunteer litter pickers will find on the mountainside, but if they do come across a gently snoozing newsreader will they please return him to the studios of ITN.
Rock on you funky mountaineers...
* Rarely.
Yesterday (well actually today)
McCartney and Mills split!
Paul 'Thumbs' McCartney, 63, and Heather 'Jim Lad' Mills, 38, have confirmed they are to split after 4 years of minor headlines. The unhappy 3 legged couple announced their seperation earlier today citing media intrusion as the cause.
The couple first met a year after the death of Pauls first wife, vegetarian sausage magnet Linda, and Paul spoke often of how he was so lucky to meet a strong, if slighty lopsided woman like Heather.
For some time there have been ugly rumours (nothing to do with our axe wielding PM) circulating about ill feeling between Pauls children and Heather. However during a short press statement (which I may have made up using my own twisted mind) Stella McCartney choked back her happiness and insisted that she was "devastated to see the back of that bi... of my step mother" continuing "I hope the media will leave my family alone in this difficult period"
In related news Stella McCartney also announced a new line in top of the range fur thongs will be hitting the shops "before you can say PETA."
Meanwhile Paul will be going ahead with his takeover of Angus Steakhouses. He assures regular customers that there will be no changes to the menu, or for that matter the decor.
Rock on you funky carnivores...
The Cheese Board
I say my dear, you do look absolutely stunning. What a delightful gown, is it new?
And your hair, such a lovely style complimenting the shape of your face exquisitely. Of course I like your shoes my love, they show of your dainty ankles so well and oh those eyes... Limpid pools. But my dear a question, that smell, could it be, is it... Stilton?
Yes that is correct stilton cheese is now a perfume. Commisioned by the stilton cheesemakers association. For a cheese known for it's 'interesting' smell this is perhaps a mistake.
Interestingly (though I'll let you be the judge I suppose) the British Cheese Board (yes they really are called that) last year carried out a study in to the different kinds of dreams produced by eating various cheeses. Stilton it seems causes 'odd dreams' with those taking part in the study experiencing bizarre and vivid dreams after eating a 20g piece of cheese half an hour before turning in for the night.
This brings many questions to mind, not least of them being do the British Cheese Board have enough to do?
Rock on you blue veined dog shits...
Nothing is a surprise anymore...
David Cameron, the young and vibrant Tory leader, today proved yet again that Tony Blair, ageing and colourless leader of New Labour, has finally met his match.
Not content with showing up TB on green issues, now 'sexy' Dave has pipped the PM to the big one. Yes he's been floating around on the fringes of mainstream politics now for quite some time, but while Tony dithered and time ran out the fanciable tory whippersnapper launched in to action like horny shit off a sex shovel and got his man... Adam Rickitt.
Dave, leader of the sexiest party in opposition, has for some time talked of fielding more women, ethnic minorities and camp as Inman ex soap stars and now it seems things are begining to change.
"I've thought long and hard and come to the conclusion that we need more camp soap stars turned failed pop twats in politics," blathered David while gently tugging on his own manhood. "And now if you'll excuse me I'm off to listen to my ipod while skateboarding to a focus group of trendy young thirty somethings from Notting Hill so I can't stand around here in my fancy trainers listening to you proles all day."
Tony Blair meanwhile was unavailiable for comment but was seen pleading desperately with Whigfield to join his team of Blairs Babes the sequel.
Is it just me that longs for the days when politicians were dependable looking men who smoked pipes and looked like their idea of casual was tweed jackets with leather elbow patches?
Incidentally the Guardian headline on this story was 'Former soap star on Camerons A-list of Tory candidates'. Well done sir, you may never have made it above c-list celebrity wise, but already you are a shining star in the political firmament.
Rock on you funky A-listers...
Blaine Damage
David Blaine, American buffoon and 'stuntman', has failed to break the world record for the holding of breath under water. The world famous idiot fell a humiliating 2 minutes short of his target of 8 minutes and 58 seconds to become the laughing stock of people who care about such things.
Blaine, 33, passed out while chained underwater and had to be rescued by the improbably named Kirk Krack. Blaine had earlier spoken of how "humbled" he had been by worldwide support for his mind numbing antics having spent the previous week boring everyone by living in a huge bucket.
The dribbling imbeciles doctor, Murat Gunel, had warned Blaine against the stunt probably saying " David I'm not just your doctor, I'm a human being too, and I can assure you this is equally as ridiculous as any of your previous stunts. Please don't do it, I'm begging you and I'm sure I speak for most of the planet."
Among other reasons the doctor gave Blaine for not performing the stunt where the possibility of brain damage. This warning was ignored simply because vey little difference would have been noticed even if it were the case.
In the past Blaine, described (by me)as sounding like a record being played at the wrong speed,* has been frozen in ice for 61 hours, buried in a coffin for a week and suspended over the Thames for 44 days. Unfortunately all of the aforementioned stunts went horribly wrong and he lived to bore another day.
Rock on you funky escapologists...
*A slower speed obviously.
P.S. More from Kirk Krack please.