YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH...
Weekend at Bernie's 3
Remember Weekend at Bernie's?
It was hilarious. Two chaps carting around a dead body for, rather predictably, a weekend and making out he was still alive. With the high quality concept and outstanding screenplay they couldn't go wrong, but even if they had gone wrong top class comedy performers of the calibre of Andrew McCarthy and the other one were never going to disapoint. Basically everything was in place for an unbeatable comedy classic that still to this day tops many, if not a, best ever list/s.
Well obviously this smasheroo spawned the usual sequel, not to mention proposed remakes and so on. I believe Andrew Lloyd Webber is currently in talks with Ben Elton to turn it in to a West End musical.
However now comes the ultimate tribute as two zany American pensioners take there admiration of the 80's classic just that little bit too far.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,2238066,00.html
David 'Andrew McCarthy' Dalaia and James 'The Other One' O'Hare weeled their dead, partially clothed pal to the apparently named by Roadrunner shop Pay-O-Matic to cash his welfare cheque.
Police were alerted by a crowd who had gathered around the corpse in an office chair sitting patiently (as only corpses can) outside the aforementioned shop. Of course in the real Weekend at Bernies everything worked out just fine, in this Last of the Summer Wine-esque tribute act there can be only one outcome. The death penalty my friends. God bless America.
Incidentally this all took part in Hell's Kitchen. Yep the Pay-O-Matic in Hell's Kitchen, somebody has got a lot of use out of there Acme How to Name Stuff book.
Rock on you funky dog shits...
Maybe I judged you too harshly
Maybe just maybe the time is ripe for a return to 20six...
Maybe Chauncey Q has enough pent up rage and tomfoolery to return mightier than ever...
Maybe...
Or maybe not, time will tell I guess.
CQM
Oh and remember, Rock the boogie fatwa you funky dog shits!
In many ways...
...I am a small man. A small, petty man. A small, petty man who fears change. Fears change and runs from it like Jamie Lee-Curtis running from a deranged killer. Runs and hides in a closet until the deranged killer has gone.
Of course there is no killer, the killer was metaphorical representing the changes here at 20six.
Chauncey being a small, petty man, scared of change in the way Baroness Haden-Guest is scared of deranged killers, has decided to jump ship and head next door where the grass is greener and you get to wear other peoples shoes (and not just for one day either)
Of course many of you will be saying "don't give up Chauncey, that isn't the spirit that made this country great." But I'm old and weak and I'll only slow you down and so I say seeya later in the only way I know how.
(the fact that it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to post that picture tells me I'm right to leave)
Rock the boogie fatwa you funky dog shits...
After 6 Years...
... Or at any rate what seems like 6 years, Prison Break comes to an end tonight in a double whammy on (Channel) 5.
Yes Wentworth Miller, Lolly Mahal, D-Cup, T-Bag and co. are finally going to bust out of Fox River pen (I hope they are anyway) and end a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top (well to the Vice Presidents brother at least)
It's been a wild roller coaster ride involving frankly ridiculous contrivances, set back after set back, outstandingly comical lines that only the greatest actors could speak with any degree of embarresment and lots more to boot.
But at this emotional time I would like to send out a message to the writers of Prison Break.
Read this and try and make the next series a little shorter.
In other unrelated news a little know competition is about to begin in Germany. The world cup. Now I'm not going to bore you in the way I do with the Eurovision song contest (well not just yet anyway) but I would like to point out a couple of funny little tit bits.
Brazil are known, among other things, for players with just the one name. This year is no exception and travelling with the team is the forward Fred.
Portugal will also be taking a few one named wonders including the goalkeeper Quim.
And finally, Karel Poborsky is still playing international football, but he's had his hair cut since he played for Manchester United. Shame.
Rock on you funky dog shits...
Kriss Akabusi in Orgasm Shocker!
http://www.nyt.co.uk/kriss.akabusi.htm
Kriss Akabusi, guffawing buffoon and former motivational kids TV presenter, is accused of making an American Director orgasm. Not much is known about the case, but my informant at Lexis Nexis Butterworth Tolley assures me it happened some time around the 23rd of April 2002.
Akabusi became a motivational speaker after Roy Castle blew last taps on Record Breakers and things had been going swimmingly for Cheryl Bakers dribbling sidekick with notices like these for his, quite literally, motivational speaking.
"Outstanding the audience were spellbound" Bedfordshire Newspapers
"You made us all buzz. It was just the right impact and we are still talking about it" Anon
"We have recieved a lot of praise and thanks from the customers who attended. Some said it was the best BT event which they had attended" BT
"It (the Aksters speech) was very motivational" Learning and Skills Council, Essex
"Did exactly what it said on the tin" Police Mutual*
"Kriss held the audience for the duration. He was great!" Bright Business
"Kriss was 'right here, right now'" Bank of Scotland
Since the orgasm revelations and such many of the plaudits must be read with a new and cynically dirty mind. Not least this last one from Crawford & Company "Everyone will undoubtedly remember your enthusiasm each time they step 'in to the arena' for future challenges and 'get jiggy with change'".
I ask you honest, decent people of Great Britain, do we really need people like Kriss Akabusi motivating our depraved workforce?
I say stop Akabusi now before it's too late...
Rock on you funky motivators...
*There is no evidence that the Police Mutual put Akabusi in a tin.
Lousy gag...
Lord Haw Haw had his say against the British government during the war and look where it got him. Now Brian Haw is at it, but frankly he's only half the man...
Yes this is the news that Brian Haw, one man against a government, has had his placards swiped by the police, automatons under the control of the aforementioned government. (there's one for lazy conspiracy theorists)
Haw has been campaigning in Parliment Square (initially against sanctions against Iraq) on the grounds that he's trying to improve his childrens future. Well he's got seven (7) of the little blighters already so I'm thinking if the government knows what's good for it they'll let him stay in Parliment Square!
Rock on you funky placards...
You don't have to be gay...
"It's real and chaotic - just like a woman can feel. But it's also strong, pretty, proud, emotional, loving... just like a woman..."
No not Chauncey speaking, though obviously I agree with the sentiment, but Emil Hristov talking about the video for Bulgarian Eurovision entry Let Me Cry by Mariana Popova. Look a little deeper though and couldn't Emil be talking about Eurovision itself?
You may or may not agree with that, but either way you can't argue that it leads us nicely in to the Annual Chauncey Q Monkhouse Eurovision Preview.
Tomorrow evening sees 12 months of preperations bear tacky and quite possibly incompetent fruit as the Eurovision Song Contest comes to Athens. Some 6000 Eurpoean nations will battle out this years contest and thanks to having a lot of time on my hands this afternoon I am able to bring to you a quick and easy to follow guide. Read on...
Albania: Luiz Ejlli with the song Fire, but (still) Cold. Luiz has a silly hat and judging by the lyrics is suffering from Alzheimers.
Belarus: Polina Smolova with the song Mum. The great lyrics of this song are too numerous to mention, but I'm going to single out "I fel so safe, 'cause I know he's good/The guys before him were a kind of junk food". Classic Euro stuff.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Hari Mata Hari with the song Layla. Interestingly the composer is one of the "rare musicians who can claim to be familiar with eleven instruments." Not to mention earning the title First European Accordian Player at the age of twelve. I don't have a clue what that means and I think the web site might have made some kind of translation error there.
Croatia: Moja Stikla (my link thingy packed in, but you aren't stupid so find it yourself) with the song My High Heel. This one is just too bizarre to describe. Sample lyric ""Tick tock 'round half past two/You will nibble me, but noone will see/Golden ring(!?!) thin moustache/I know well guys like you." I don't know...
Denmark: Sidsel with the song Twist of Love. All about Johnny, Connie and a chap named O-Smarty who doesn't know how to make the ladies insist. Rubbish!
Finland: Lordi with the song Hard Rock Hallelujah. I initially though they were going to be rubbish with their sub Slipknot masks, but did Slipknot ever write a lyric like this "The walls come down like thunder/The rocks about to roll/It's the AROCKALYPSE/Now bare your soul"?
FYR Macedonia: Elena Risteska with the song Ninanajna. I think it means rumpy pumpy, but I'm not sure.
Germany: Texas Lightning with the song No No Never. Could this be the first country & western entry in to Eurovision? (please don't tell me if it's not, I don't really care)
Iceland: Silvia Night with the song Congratulations. None of the self deprecating Cliff Richard nonsense here, Silvia Night is going to win and she says so in her song all about Silvia Night "shining so bright" releasing such a cool song that she wins and we all go to Iceland for next years final. Why is she so confident, because she's had a phone conversation with god and she's his favourite person apparently, oh and she's saving the world too... Winner.
Lithuania: LT with the song We Are The Winners. Hang on a second, another song about winnng Eurovision. Will this be the year the song contest finally eats itself?
Malta: Fabrizio Faniello with the song I Do. This man looks like an ugly little pixie. Oh and his second name made me chuckle.
Moldova: Arsenium with the song Loca. They're called Arsenium...ARF.
Russia: Dima Bilan with the song Never let you go. Bless him he's obviously writtne this straight in English and it makes no sense at all. I couldn't write a song in Russian it's true, but the lesson is don't try.
Spain: Las Ketchup (really) with the song Bloody Mary. Not a rant aimed at Mary Archer, but then why should it be, they are Spanish. I don't know if this is about cheap booze as their chant of "Duty free, duty free, duty free" might indicate, or if it's about the 'other' woman as they sing "I was the other woman, the stupid one/half pint undrground/I was stunning/I left him high and dry/He has the gift of the gab." I just don't know but it's Spanish so it's bound to be fantastic.
Turkey: Sibel Tuzun with the song Superstar. Another one with a high opinion of herself. "I am no ordinary person/I am not an imitation/My light will bedazzle you." We'll be the judge of that young lady.
Last (you will be pleased to know) and most definitelly least. United Kingdom: Daz Sampson with his song Teenage Life. What is there to say about Daz Sampson? He's got to be a joke surely. I'll let his little Erovision biog speak for him. "Daz firdt found fame (?) as the MC, songwriter and (get this) ideas man in UK dance group Bus Stop". It continues "Like a pop pied piper and with as many pseudonyms as Prine he was soon on to other projects". Honestly "Daz calls Teenage Life his masterpiece". I could go on, but I'm starting to respect Daz and it scares me...
Well there we have it. Not only my longest ever entry here, but possibly my most niche topic ever.
Watch it, but don't say you weren't warned.
Rock on you funky dog shits...